someecards.com

I knew you were the one when you kindly faked an orgasm as I prematurely ejaculated.

Via someecards

The closest I get to reading a newspaper is using one as an umbrella.

Via someecards

Sorry your most dramatic act of rebellion these days is leaving your apartment without an umbrella.

Via someecards

Sorry my allergies make me look completely miserable at work instead of only partially miserable.

Via someecards

You’re the one I want running beside me during the zombie apocalypse.

Via someecards

In the interests of reaching a healthy weight, I’ll be switching from pot to coke.

Via someecards

I hope college women reject you less than college admissions officers.

Via someecards

Congratulations on getting into my safety school.

Via someecards

At least you’re as thin as the college rejection letters you’re receiving.

Via someecards

Let’s have a Game of Thrones amount of hookers at your bachelor party.

Via someecards