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I feel terrible getting my cat fixed and relegating it to the same sexless existence as me.

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Let’s go to Happy Hour for Administrative Professionals Day unless we’re stuck working unpaid overtime again for fear of losing our horrible jobs.

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I’ve come to terms with the fact that my cat will never be Internet famous.

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The best part of owning a dog is getting to leave places to go walk it.

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15 ways to half-heartedly express your friendship.

Let them know how funny you are with an ecard written by someone else. There are tons of different kinds of friends (or so we hear): best friends forever, best friends for now, friends with benefits, old school chums, drinking buddies, frenemies, mistrusted confidants, tolerable coworkers, recovering alcoholics you keep around because they don’t mind being the designated driver—you name it. From time to time it’s important to touch base with these people in order to let them know you still exist and consider their friendship important enough to take advantage of for a ride to the airport or to help move your couch. Here are 15 of the best ways to half-heartedly express your friendship in whatever form it takes. Feel free to share them on Twitter or Facebook or maybe even send some to your real friends!   Keep your friends close and anyone who’s seen your browser history closer.   A true fair weather friend.   But not without drawing penises all over your face.   “…and everyone else is tired of it.”   The inspiration for Shawshank Redemption.   Honesty and rock-bottom expectations are the foundation of the best friendships.    A good card to send to your drugs.   Your kidneys and genitals may not be so lucky.    “Meh-st Friends Forever”   Post on someone’s Facebook wall!   Great way to let someone know you’re thinking about yourself in their moment of triumph.   “They’d at LEAST have to be a 6, 6 1/2.”   The grass always winds up dead and brown on both sides.   “It’s just more intimate that way, you know?” For friends you’d like to sleep with, see the 30 most creative ways to let someone know you’d like to have sex with them »

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Wishing you happy birthday in private so you can avoid forced birthday conversations with coworkers.

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April 23: Happy Birthday to you and Michael Moore, the only celebrity who makes you look well dressed.

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